*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
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My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.