Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
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Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Wait a minute
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.