It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
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Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.