(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
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Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.