Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
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Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.