*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
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[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?