Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
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Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.