Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
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Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll