Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
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If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“How’s your day going?”
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.