Answers phone, makes modem noises…
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I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are