“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
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I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.