[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
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hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
The booster protects against what, now?
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.