The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
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*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.