I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
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Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
so weird how every mom was born today
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz