The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Interior design 👌
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied