BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
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GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone