“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
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(by @ZachWeiner )
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves