I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
You Might Also Like
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.