It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
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“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.