Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
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Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.