ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.