Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
You Might Also Like
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Bootstraps
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?