Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
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Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
every single time
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on