Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.