Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.