こいつ天才
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#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Good morning.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.