At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
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Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Cake safety first. Always.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
No, I don’t think I will.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”