Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*