We’ve all been there
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[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
decorating my apartment
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”