I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
time machine? you mean a clock?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..