At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
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Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas