The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
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I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
“you changed” bro i was 15
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score