If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
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Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.