“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
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My typo game is string.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??