Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
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The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
A short story of betrayal:
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
#Caturday
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.