Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
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my one true gender
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
A new level of troll.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery