I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.