Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
You Might Also Like
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.