I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
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My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
🤣🤣
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?