My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
There is no “we” in pizza
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
They’re really bad with fonts.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean