That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
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haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.