“Theirye’re” problem solved
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Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas