[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes