Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
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They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up