A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I might carry a baby with one hand.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour