By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
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Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Brb my Sims are getting married
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.