Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
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Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.