Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
I forgot how to panic. Help
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover