Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
You Might Also Like
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore