My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
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If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
We decided to have money instead of children.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
*offers Batman cough drops*
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
I’m putting together a team
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….